Gwendoogle Part X

Gwendoogle

Flip the Otter searched: How do I find the voice chat instructions for my MMRPG game?
Step 1:Open your character’s SKILLS menu and check whether or not you have acquired the TAME WILD ANIMAL skill. It should be between SURVIVE UNNATURAL NATURAL DISASTERS and TASTE THE RAINBOW. If you do not have it, seek out Argabargabear the Ranger and meditate with him until your bum goes numb and you’ve learned his secrets. If you already have it, I’m sorry about your bum. Move on to step 2.

Step 2: Search the woods for a SMALL WINGED CREATURE. A HAWK or OWL would work best, though a BAT, FLYING FISH or MINIATURE GRIFFIN will do in a pinch. A GREAT DRAGON is not classified as SMALL and would be a bad idea, unless you are trying to unlock the ACCOMPLISH A SIMPLE TASK LIKE A BOSS achievement.

Step 3: Capture your SMALL WINGED CREATURE of choice.

tilty-head owls

These are not carrier pigeons. They are concerned that you think they are carrier pigeons.

Step 4: Approach the friend you want to voice chat with and practice throwing your SMALL WINGED CREATURE at each other. Continue chucking it at each other at increasing distances until your SMALL WINGED CREATURE understands that you think it is a CARRIER PIGEON. If it takes a while, take it as a compliment: your SMALL WINGED CREATURE is having a hard time believing you are that dense.

Step 5:Give your SMALL WINGED CREATURE the message you would like delivered and chuck it at your friend’s head.

For faster communication, remember these short, easy messages:

Chuck a hammer at your friend’s head: “I need your attention.

Fall down on the ground at your friend’s feet: “I’m hungry. Have any extra food?”

Run away from your friend: “Follow me!”

Run away from your friend, screaming: “There’s a monster behind you.”

Raise your weapon over your head and cheer: “You’re awesome!”

Chuck a fireball at your friend’s head: “You’re lousy.

Kate Kearney searched: How important are themes to novels?
There was a time when I would have said that a theme was as necessary to a novel as toes were to a fish, and almost as unnerving.

That time would have been about 2000. I was ten and had been battered about the head by themes that were so naked in the plot that I was desperate to see a character take up knitting, just to give it clothes. Naked themes still look like fish toes to me, and I don’t think they’ll ever stop.

However, clothed themes – the kind that the author has her finger on at all times, but the readers feels more than he sees – are beautiful. And essential.

Themes do a lot of work in a novel. Specifically, they do the “lacing up” work, which is what turns a sequence of events into a story and makes an ending feel like a finale instead of an abrupt stop. Themes help define the conflict, turning a gun fight between two men into a betrayal of brothers, or revenge, or defense of home. It’s what drives the plot home, and makes the story stick with an audience.

Themes are over-discussed and thoroughly wrung out in English classrooms until the story feels wrung out too. Yet, to me, a novel without a theme is like a dance tune without percussion. We just shouldn’t be able to point to a thesis statement on the page.

Kelsey Johnson searched: If we were standing in the airport, staring at the Departures board, what country would you pick?
The next flight leaving from my local airport is bound for Frankfurt, Germany. And we’d better run because they’re boarding now. I’ve always wanted to race for a gate.

Kate Kearney searched: What are some of your favorite words from the Pirate Primer?
pirate primerThe Pirate Primer is tied for my favorite resource book along with my Ancient Greek lexicon. It figures that my favorites would have to do with language: one of them teaches me to speak like a Spartan, the other like a high-seas bandit.

If I were ever to find myself aboard ship, wearing an eye-patch, hauling sail and wielding double revolvers, I would definite start using:

Bilge-licking (adjective, insult) – “Bilge” is the foul, rotting water that would accumulate at the bottom of a ship, which I like to ignore in my fiction because it is possibly the grossest thing I can imagine. I get squeamish if someone leaves the water on the stove too long after boiling pasta. Blige-licking, is one of my favorite insults, because it is gross, holds the connotation of “bottom-feeder” and just sounds good.

Boosy(adjective) – “perpetually drunk,” but with a little more character and a little less class than drunkard.

Drub (verb) – “to thrash” or “defeat thoroughly.” I’ll drub you within an inch of your life, and then that inch too, if you touch my bunny slippers.

Gallowsy (adjective, insult) – “deserving execution.” I can only assume that it can also imply that their execution is imminent.

Niminy-piminy (adjective) – “dainty” or “mincing.” Could be an insult, could just be someone who really doesn’t understand the waltz.

Scupper (noun, verb) – the “scupper” is the shipboard equivalent of the sewers. It is only slightly better smelling than “bilge”. I’m not entire sure what it means when someone says they’ll scupper someone else, but I understand the tone. You’d better run.

Scuttle (verb) – “pillage,” but for pirates instead of vikings.

Swag-bellied (adjective, insult) – coined by someone who obviously understood that “swag” is not a good thing. As far as I can tell, this is what pirates say when they want to call each other fat, ugly and gross all at once.

Truculent Wonder searched: So, if Bek gives you first lines and Kate Kearney gives you plot bunnies, what shall I give you?
My shoe, please. Specifically the left one, which you steal frequently.

I would also accept a list of five to ten words which I have to use in a single blog post.

Kate Kearney searched: Did you listen to the Neverwhere radio play?
Not yet. It is in my plans, but my plans these days always end in “unless I don’t.”

For example, this morning I made the following plan: I will wake up, put a roast in the oven for lunch, go to church, go shopping, eat lunch, write a blog post, watch The Hobbit with the little sisters, not hide under the couch when Gollum appears onscreen, complete an Italian lesson, watch an episode of Being Human and get to bed at a reasonable hour… unless I don’t.

 photo Harrytriedhereallydid_zps1bba221a.gif

Flip the Otter searched: Do you look left or right when you are trying to remember details of a character’s backstory that they haven’t clarified yet?
I generally look straight ahead while they explain it to me. I have very well-behaved characters.

Terius: You and I argued for months about whether or not my father was dead.

Or I look at the back of my eyelids while I use my considerable Author Mental Powers on them until they give me what I want.

Noach: I wouldn’t tell you my name for two years.

Or I just look at my desk. At very close range. While I bang my head against it.

Kate Kearney searched: What makes the magic in Irish butter?
The accents. All the magic of the Irish is in their accents. It must somehow be caught up in the churning process, the syllables broken up and slipped into the butter until it has all the power to melt your heart that a single word from an Irishman does.

Have a question for Gwendoogle? Leave it in comments below and I’ll be back next week to answer it.

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2 thoughts on “Gwendoogle Part X

  1. Now Scuttle makes sense. What other Disney characters have been given clever names? What books are on your bedside table? What does that say about you? Who or what protects your computer from harm? To whom do I complain that I was back in a woolen coat last night? What’s the best fire-starter? Which accent do you like best of all the ones you’ve ever heard?

  2. Which modern civilization do you find most interesting? Why are bee’s dying out? Which Roman leader (Emperor, Tyrant, or Consul) do you find most interesting? Is guilt or greed a better motivator? If you could have one day to do absolutely anything, physically possible or not, what would it be? What are three interesting classical references written by Shakespeare?

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