Gwendoogle Part LXIII – Teleporting Through The Faerie Gate With Crazy Adults


Answers served with a stunning lack of answer, but promise of eventual definitives

Kate Kearney searched: Where is that dang river bend?

There are 4,375 “The River Bend”s cataloged within our database.

It will take me a fair piece of time to interview them all to see which one is “that dang river bend.” Anticipating a three-day period to properly assess they dangedness, I’ll get back to you on April 18, 2049. (I hope this wasn’t a pressing issue.)

Flip the Otter searched: “Friends OR dragons” AND teleportation
Friends have no Teleportation ability, which is one of the greatest crimes of humanity, and one of the greatest gifts of heaven.

It would be pleasant to pop across a continent for lunch and collect hugs from that friend that has chased her dreams across a hundred miles and left you to chase yours. Chasing dreams is important, and you both know it, but so are hugs and the ability to steal french fries off each others plates. We would like to snap our fingers, or blink our eyes, or cross our arms and nod our heads and wiggle our noses, and suddenly find ourselves on each others doorsteps.

We can’t. And we’ll spend hours wishing we could and dreaming up supersonic engines or bend in the space-time continuum.

And instead, we will decide to visit despite the hours and hours we will spend in a cramped plane cabin, or inside a rumbling train car, or a windy car. We will spend each minute in transport, in careful anticipation – counting minutes to keep ourselves occupied and negotiating with time to peel a few away. We will arrive on each others doorsteps, a little tired, a little rumpled, smiling and excited and glad to see a face we know so well. We will drop into their lives with one simple statement: that they are worth the hours. That they are worth leaving something else behind for a little while. That they are worth giving up a little bit of something else that we love. Just to share hugs and steal fries.

Dragons also cannot teleport. And we are thankful. They cause enough havoc as is.

Kate Kearney searched: Did you steal my spinning arrow?
My reputation has proceeded me, I see.

No, I did not steal your spinning arrow. I have not seen your spinning arrow. I do not even know what a spinning arrow is.

Have I gone too far? Let me try again.

No, I did not steal your spinning arrow. I have not seen your spinning arrow. I have not been by your house in years, in fact, and I can’t remember you even telling me that you owned a spinning arrow.

Too far again? Well, you’re a picky one.

No, I did not steal your spinning arrow. I’m sorry that you’ve lost it? Have you tried interrogating your dog?

Flip the Otter searched: Year in which the gates of Faerie reopen?
An inquiry has been lodged with the Faerie Embassy Public Relations Unit. They offered me some sweet meat and rich bread (which I politely declined) and a generous portion of wine (which I gently refused). They have not yet agreed to tell me the decade, let alone the year.

But, we have all agreed that it really should be this eon…

Kate Kearney searched: How many empty water bottles signal that someone is lazy?
Three. It is possible to believe that thirsty person may have one extremely kind friend who might, on occasion bring them fresh water twice in one afternoon, and that they may have drunk all three of them without having to stand, move, or otherwise interrupt what they were doing, thus allowing for the initial bottle that they brought with them and two more.

After that, however, it must be assumed that the person would have stood, walked around, presumably passed a trashcan or recycling bin on their way to a washroom. Since there is no need to rinse out a water bottle, there is no need to reserve their disposal to a time when you are not already busy.

Kate Kearney searched: Crazy?
Three hundred and seventy-seven.

But if you have squished and stapled those three-hundred and seventy-seven water bottles into the shape of a teddy bear wearing a top hat and armor while riding a velociraptor, it’s the good kind of crazy.

Flip the Otter searched: Is there any form of acceptable “adult” email address that is not made from the person’s name?
You could try:



or the very simple and ever popular:

But all of them may be counterproductive.

DJ Matticus searched: On my way… to help get the heroes moving again, definitely not to investigate the time machine in the bunker… yeah, definitely not. Though, now I’m curious. What kind of canned goods are in the bunker? How much water do you have stored? And what kind of gizmos do you have set up to test air quality?
We have canned peaches and pineapple, tomatoes, chicken noodle soup, mushroom soup and clam chowder. We have tuna fish, salmon tomato sauce, and lots and lots of pasta. We also have a jar of pearl onions, but no one is sure how long those have been there.

And we have lots of water. So much water. Two 2,500 galleon tanks. Because we’ll need a lot of water to cook all that pasta.

And we have four canaries – Herakleides, Aristeides, Euthymius, and Epiphanios – who haven’t keeled over yet, so we figure that the air is still good.

And… I have just realized that you are asking too many questions that have nothing to do with the Spandex Appreciation Club in my yard. What do you think you’re doing?

Have a question for Gwendoogle? Leave it in comments below and I’ll be back next week to answer it.

The question bucket currently has: 4 questions (and one of them has been driving me mad)


3 thoughts on “Gwendoogle Part LXIII – Teleporting Through The Faerie Gate With Crazy Adults

  1. How far have you delved into madness? What is the strangest thing you’ve ever brought onto an airplane? What house plants flourish in low light? Why do I want to write an essay on Mulan? Is time an enemy? What is in your imaginary tool kit? What does this gif do? Why are gifs so appealing? When do applications have to be in? Will you answer these questions with either gifs or song lyrics? How do you remember to move? Spies? Pizza party? Why do we gather around food? Can we find the answers? Am I being too serious today? What kind of madness is this? Is this the real life? What makes fantasy? Is it possible to function in ignorance of societal expectations? Do you want to build a snowman? Does it have to be a snowman? What makes for an enjoyable gaming experience for you? Which aspect of gaming appeals to you the most? WHY AM I SO FULL OF QUESTIONS? Will you help me? Should I get a tumblr? Where did I put that creativity? What is the idea behind a mermaid’s comb? Do questions or answers reveal more about a person?

  2. Why do some actors stick with you, and you always remember how good they are, while others you forget about and are pleasantly surprised every time they grace your screen? If we’re excluding Hawk-eye, which Avenger would you pick? (No, I won’t tell you what you’re picking it for–that’s cheating!) How come I’m always a month away from the next movie I want to see? What do you do when you know someone is going to be a problem in a bad way? In a good way? Why do I suddenly feel the need to ask you five hundred questions? Do you miss me terribly? What am I going to do about my Marvel Cinematic Universe obsession? Why is Peter Parker adorable? When was the last time you watched SNL? Have I asked enough questions yet? Why do I kind of feel like Kate?

  3. What do I think I’m doing? *shifts eyes nervously* Well, trying to change the subject, of course. Spandex makes me squirm.

    What’s a day in prison like?
    How many succesful prison breaks are there every year?
    How many innocent people were sent to jail and then released later when new evidence was uncovered?

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