Answers served with an ice cream sundae, because this post is better read with a sugar rush
Kate Kearney searched: Who has stolen all the water?
A blackguard, a heel, a brute, a louse, a caitiff, a lowlife malefactor, a creeping profligate, a rapscallion wretch, an enfant terrible!
A criminal! A devil, a thief, and a miscreant!
I feel very strongly about anyone who steals all the water. Water is very important.
Kate Kearney searched: What is the name of your new superhero team?
Adventurers of the Infinite. Thanks for asking. We just recruited Garlic Marshal, The Eyeliner Changer, and Tape Lord, and we’re very excited (we’ve never had a weapons expert before).
DJ Matticus searched: Marmoset?
It’s an unflattering name given to 22 species of new world monkeys, which means grotesque image. What those monkeys ever did to offend their namer, I have no idea.
Also, most marmosets are born as twins, and 95% of those twins trade blood through chorionic fusion, making them hematopoietic chimeras. That fact is included simply for the purpose of using two very cool words, and simply means that a single marmoset can carry blood with DNA that does not match the rest of its system.
Kate Kearney searched: Lots of space, or just the right amount of space?
I am very comfortable in small spaces. I cannot recall every feel cramped or closed in, and for the most part, I don’t see a need for anything more than just the right amount of space.
But then I think about sock-slides on long wooden floors, the echo of heels and flung-armed spins of large halls, the elbow room for dance parties where no one is turned away at the door, and the once upon a time spin in a perfectly empty roller-skating rink. And then, I think, lots of space feels like sweetest freedom, and I want it, somewhere in reach.
(And please note that, in this situation, I am the silent fellow trying not to look a little panicked at the question.)
Kate Kearney searched: Can you catch that raccoon?
That raccoon has been all over the neighborhood collecting shiny things, and it looks like he’s finally collected enough wiring and shrapnel to make a truly inspired explosive device.
After carefully examining the pros (possession of a unique pet) and the cons (possible scratches, bites, rabies, and explosive death), I think I could catch that raccoon, but I’m definitely not going to.
DJ Matticus searched: Your organization of kitties is perfect! I’m thinking about trying to tabulate the pertinent data for the two kingdom kitties so I could put them in a spreadsheet and see how it all turns out. That will require a lot of research, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. Do you think my work will give me time off in pursuit of this important information?
Like most research, I think it will be underfunded. Sorry, brother.
Kate Kearney searched: Do you have an opinion on kilts?
As far as I know, I don’t have more than a drop of Scottish blood in me, so not really, but I like the confidence of people who wear them.
Matttblack42 searched: What is love?
Love is a verb, used freely at five, emphatically at fifteen, hesitantly at twenty-five, warmly at fifty, and freely again at seventy.
Kate Kearney searched: Why are personality quizzes so fun?
It depends on the type of quiz.
In the silly “Which Disney Sidekick Are You?” or “Which Literary Vampire Are You?” quizzes, I think we just like the funhouse mirror that takes our faces and paints them over in adventurous colors. We like to see what we might look like tucked into a story, the same way we like to dress up on Halloween.
In the more serious personality assessments, like the Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram or even the Zodiacs, we like the explanation for our idiosyncrasies, the feeling that we are not weird for having these inexplicable instincts, and that even if we were weird, there are enough other people who behave that way to warrant a personality type in the test. We like the Less-Than-Alone feeling after we have had ourselves explained to us.
Matttblack42 searched: Is there a limit to the amount of questions I can ask?
Well, let’s see, Matt. The National Average Male Life Expectancy currently says you’ll see your seventy-seventh birthday, plus a little more (sorry, if that’s a shock). According to your blog, you’re a teen-something, so let’s average it out and say you’ve already used up sixteen of those years. Then let’s say that you’ll get the six hours of sleep a night that the average adult is getting these days. Then let’s say you spend an hour and a half a day eating.
That leaves you 369,781.5 hours to ask questions. At a generous pace of one question every 15 seconds, you can ask four questions a minute, and two hundred and forty questions an hour.
Between now and when you buy the farm, you’re capable of asking 88,747,560 questions.
But the further you go, the buggier and buggier they’ll get.
Have a question for Gwendoogle? Leave it in comments below and I’ll be back next week to answer it.
The question bucket currently has: 29 questions