Excuses XI

#1 – I’m not writing a blog post tonight because I’m looking for a cow as white as milk, hair as yellow as corn, a cape as red as blood, and a slipper as pure as gold. I have three days to find them, or… well, let’s just say that I’ll be cursed forever, and my curse is starting to itch.

#2 – I’m not writing a blog post tonight because I just found out that not am I not the sole Dragon Tamer on this planet, but there are two others: My Hey-I-Thought-She-Was-Dead Mother, and my Father’s Hey-I-Hoped-You-Were-Dead old colleague. Either I get this mess straightened out, or the world is overrun and eaten by confused dragons.

#3 – I’m not writing a blog post tonight because I have a few conditions that haven’t yet been met, before I agree to be your spokesperson: my friends get rescued immediately, with no blame or repercussions for what they may or may not have done to help the enemy, no questions asked. And my sister gets to keep her cat.

#4 – I’m not writing a blog post tonight because I’ve been battling Persians all morning. And see, I would sit down and write you what you’re asking for, but gosh golly gee, I’ve just got such a bad cramp in my leg from beating up all those men…

#5 – I’m not writing a blog post tonight because I’m a little busy correcting the locals on the truth behind all my legends. Marketing said it sold better to say that I was the daughter of a god, and that I fought all those battles single-handed, but… I really can’t go into battle without my friends. I will die. It won’t be pretty. My friends will make fun of me.

#6 – I’m not writing a blog post tonight because I have to adjust the humor levels on this robot. Yes, I know, that the Earth is failing. And I need to pilot this space craft to find a new planet capable of sustaining life. And the quicker we find it, the more likely I am to get back to earth before my kids die of old age. And I know that this robot and his stupid jokes are probably not my highest priority. But if you need a better excuse, just pay attention, I just gave you four.

#7 – I’m not writing a blog post tonight because I have to steal a very important set of answers for a very important test that will decide the rest of my life. The only people I could find to help me were my best friend,  two super-smart girls (one has never ever gotten in trouble in her life, and the other is perpetually in trouble), a semi-famous basketball star, and a guy who spends most of his time in an altered state of consciousness. Help. I just realized what sort of movie I’m in, and while I’m sure I’ll learn a valuable lesson, I don’t want to go through the ninety minutes of insanity that comes before it!

#8 – I’m not writing a blog post today because I think my boss is using the world’s most high-tech stealth weapons to try to take me out before his boss figures out he’s been doing some work of  questionable moral nature. Like using genetic engineering to turn me into a super soldier. It’s really too bad about that last bit. It makes the high-tech stealth weapons less than effective, especially now that I know he’s gunning for me… But I’d better stop writing blog posts. He might be able to track my IP address.

#9 – I’m not writing a blog post today because I just found out that my best friend didn’t die the way I thought he did. He doesn’t remember me, or anything really, and he seems to have fallen in with a bad crowd. Specifically the World Domination, Questionable Ethics, and Poor Haircuts crowd. But then, I’m not one to talk, because I seem to have done the same thing. I don’t even have an excuse.

#10 – I’m not writing  blog post today because I’m being trained to be loud, proud, tattooed, and fearless, after a lifetime of being taught to stand in the background and offer a helping hand wherever it was needed. I don’t have the thoughts left-over to figure out how to explain to you how confusing this is. But I like my new tattoos. And my teacher is a little cute. I don’t think I was supposed to say that. Or maybe I was supposed to say it loudly. This is all very confusing.

 photo Jesstellslies_zpsekn6wrnd.gif

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