Gwendoogle Part CII – Dinosaurs, Zombies, and Tudors Tutoring Tooters

GwendoogleAnswers served from out of state

Kate Kearney searched: How much mac’n’cheese is too much?
Calculate the square footage of your refrigerator. Subtract the volume of one bottle of orange juice and a pack of bacon. If you have more square feet of mac’n’cheese than that, you need another refrigerator.

You’ll never have too much mac’n’cheese.

JerichoFalling searched: Is it true that dinosaurs were made up by the CIA to discourage time travel?
I don’t know where you heard that, but I can tell you without absolute certainty that there is absolutely no doubt that that is absolutely not not true. The CIA definitely does not have a department dedicated solely to keeping time travel apparati out of the hands of the public. I definitely have never seen it.

Kate Kearney searched: What would you do if you discovered a conspiracy?
[blinks] You mean like the one where the CIA made up dinosaurs to discourage time travel?

Well, I’d be shocked, because I’ve been told that dinosaurs were real since I was three years old, and I’ve been living in fear of Jurassic Park becoming a reality since I was twelve, and if dinosaurs are a lie… well, I just can’t believe in the cruelty of the world.

And then I would go into denial. Dinosaurs are real. I saw them in person on the Flinstones.

Then I would cry. Poor Littlefoot, and Duckie, and Cera and Petrie never even existed. This is worse than when all of their parents died when I was negative one!

Then I’d get really angry. I might throw some light furniture.

Then I’d start trying to figure out how I can use this new knowledge to get the nice men in the black SUVs to cater to my every whim. No holds barred bargaining.

Is that Stage Four? Stage Five? Whichever it is, I’m good. I’ll stay there for a while.

KickBuster searched: What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
Either they would not move for as many days as you cared to pay them, until they accumulate inconspicuous dust in their inconspicuous chairs at their inconspicuous tables in an inconspicuous coffee shop, looking inconspicuously over their inconspicuous newspapers…

Or, out of professional courtesy, they would giggle as soon as they saw the other’s name on the assignment sheet and go out for ice cream together on your dime.

Kate Kearney searched: What do you believe are the best weapons for a zombie apocalypse?
I want to say guillotine, but guillotines are not particularly portable, so I’d say one of those blankets that they throw over a zombie’s head to kidnap it in the Scooby Doo movies, a transport truck, and a guillotine.

Or a chain saw if you have a steady supply of gasoline.

Or an axe and a give-em-hell attitude.

Kate Kearney searched: Which is scarier during a zombie apocalypse, zombies or other humans?
Other humans. Other humans freak me so much that I refuse to watch zombie moves because of the other humans. The zombies are fine. Other humans are terrifying.

I need a soothing drink.

There are four things that other humans do in the zombie apocalypse:

1) They grow bitter or malicious and attached above all other things to self-preservation, until they attempt – and worse, accomplish – things that they never would have before the human population came under threat of horrible, slow, terrifying annihilation. They look you in the eye and make you question the real meaning of death, the real meaning of tragedy, the real meaning of monstrosity.

2) They, with the sort of bad timing that would win the Bad Timing Awards every year, turn into zombies.

3) They die.

4) o.ooooo1% of the time, they manage to carry on.

Ann P. searched: Whatever happened to B-cell batteries? I’ve only seen A, C, and D-cell…
Europe stole them all to superpower their bicycle lamps. (The size never caught on anywhere else, for unknowable reasons.)

Ducky searched: Why do we call them grandfather clocks?
Before 1876, most people called the tall clocks that stood on the floor “longcase clocks.” However, in 1876 a popular musician named Henry Clay Work released a song called “My Grandfather’s Clock.” In the song, Work told the story of a clock that was bought on the day his grandfather was born, kept time perfectly every day of his life, and stopped, broken the day his grandfather died.

The song was a runaway hit. Over a million copies of the sheet music sold, and the song would continue to be recorded for decades. Boys II Men rerecorded it most recently in 2004.

The name of the clock was quickly borrowed from the song, and we haven’t been able to shake it yet. What would you call it?

The Weeping Dalek searched: A Tudor who tooted a flute tried to tutor two tooters to toot. Said the two to their tutor: “Is it harder to toot? Or to tutor two tooters to toot?”
I’m about ninety-eight percent sure that it is harder to tutor two tooters to toot. As a general rule, I think learning is a less complex process than teaching, and therefore less stressful.

But I think we’re missing the most important question here: Is the Tudor in question Henry VIII?

He was reported to have played and owned a wide variety of instruments including 78 flutes, 76 recorders, 10 trombones, 14 trumpets, and 5 bagpipes. I don’t think that it’s coincidence that all of those instruments can “toot.”

Kate Kearney searched: What are three obscure colors?
1) Sarcoline – which basically just “flesh-colored,” except that it comes from Greek, so I got excited when I saw it.
2) Smaragdine – which is “emerald green,” except that it is a lot more amusing to say.
3) Glaucous – the color of the blue-gray or blue-green powdery coating on grapes or plums.
4) Wenge – dark brown wood color with copper undertones.

My hope is that by listing four, there will be three that you’ve never heard of before, and I won’t have to decide which color I don’t want to tell you about.

Have a question for Gwendoogle? Leave it in comments below and I’ll be back next to answer it.

The question bucket currently has: 14 questions


One thought on “Gwendoogle Part CII – Dinosaurs, Zombies, and Tudors Tutoring Tooters

  1. Found any good writers resources recently? Have you ever had an idea for a children’s book? Do you have a favorite flavor of jelly bean? Are there certain candies you will not touch? Has your stance on writing poetry changed at all? How do you stretch yourself as a writer? Is there a genre you would like to write in but have not yet written in? How do you feel about instrumental music? What do you want to see more of in fantasy fiction? In fiction in general? Are there any subjects you research for fun (regardless of if Gwendoogle has a question about it)? Song recommendations of the week? What is the diet of a quadilapotus? Do you have an eventual home wishlist? Bees? Do highlighters please you? Any suggestions regarding quality temporary hair dye? Is there a subject of a book that it is difficult for you to resist picking up? Something that will get you to watch a show or movie? Other than actors or actresses? May we have an updated bookshelf tour? What should I eat for dinner tonight? How scheduled do you like your life? Why do I have so much stuff? Why should I get more post-it notes? Will you challenge me with at least four writing prompts or exercises? Why is time such a strange dimension? Is there a way out of this death trap? How do I extricate myself from the time-suck of the internet? When does a illyock cry? Did you find an alternative to cats on ships? What is your war cry of choice? Ax, sword, knife, or pole arm? Rage or finesse? What do you do if you spot a shadowy figure skulking about? Will you make up three words and definitions for me? What are three obscure, gorgeous, words and their definitions?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s