Excuses XIII

#1 – I’m not writing a blog post today because I left my house at six in the morning yesterday, and arrived at this hotel at eleven at night. It was a long day, but we accomplished time travel, because every clock in the hotel told us it was actually ten at night.

#2 – I’m not writing a blog post today because I’m visiting Cambodia, have awoken a Death Goddess, and – goshdarnnit! – this is very inconvenient; somebody tell me how to put her back to sleep!

#3 – I’m not writing a blog post today because I am on a quest to find the Great Starfish Godfather. Don’t ask. Or ask, but if you do, please sign this piece of paper first. And don’t ask about that.

#4 – I’m not writing a blog post today because I had no footwear, so I had to starve.

#5 – I’m not writing a blog post today because my friend has decided to become a rainbow. I need to talk to her about her life choices. I can’t imagine that existing as the result of a naturally occurring prism can be a very stable situation.

#6 – I’m not writing a blog post today because The Truculent Wonder has duct taped me to a chair and is typing this one for me. She is remarkably obliging about allowing me to continue my regularly scheduled activities. I think I might be able to use her to take over the world this way.

#7 – I’m not writing a blog post today because the cinnamon rolls at breakfast were spiked with an amnesia-inducing chemical. Who am I? How did I get here? Why am I wearing these neon-colored cowboy boots?

#8 – I’m not writing a blog post today because in a thirty minute car ride I was transformed from my usual human self, to a monster, to a monstrous priest, to a plain old priest, to a monkey, to a monstrous monkey, to a boy, to a priest again. They never told me whether I had become myself again at the end. Understandably, I’m still reeling.

#9 – I’m not writing a blog post today because if I don’t roller skate to the next state, The Banana Pope will control the world’s chocolate supply.

#10 – I’m not writing a blog post today because I have to train my friend to do tricks for Cheeze-Its.

Half of these things are true. Half of them are absolutely not.

If you can guess which ones are lies, there is a high possibility that you are, or have just become, a member of my inner circle. We have matching jackets.

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