Ask me about the character flaw that most often bites me, and I will tell you about my unshakeable and absolutely delusional belief that any problem can be solved by running straight at it and driving it into the ground. Or driving it into that convenient brick wall behind it, in the off chance that I can’t actually knock it off its feet. Or into orbit where it will explode for inexplicable but serendipitous reasons. I walk around with a complete misunderstanding of momentum, believing that if the problem is still standing, that I just need to angle my shoulder a little differently and hit a little harder.
Try, try, and try again. Always at full speed. Because the game isn’t worth playing unless you’re willing to play every card you hold.
And nine times out of ten, my stubbornness gets me through, or at least to the next place I had set my sights. The tenth time, it grinds me down one layer at a time until I’m laying flat out, trying to remember when my bones developed these disadvantageous lead cores, trying to remember when I became part of the problem. And why the problem is still there, because I sure feel as if I’ve already walloped myself in the face.
I forget over and over, no matter how many times it is demonstrated to me, that I am not a boundless thing. Strength and energy and patience run out. I forget that I will sometimes need rest more than I need the next victory point lined up in my sights.
I spend a lot of my time trying to decide if the thing I’m feeling is pessimism (which I make sport out of kicking repeatedly) or exhaustion (which cannot be well kicked). Two weeks later, when I realize I haven’t been playing the game the way I want to be playing, I finally have to admit that I’m just tired.
Well, I’ve been running this blog on a near-daily basis for a thousand days. I haven’t missed a single day in the last six-hundred and nineteen. I’m completely unwilling to give up that streak, but after the panic I felt after putting up last night’s post, I have to admit that I need some sort of break.
This blog was created as a playground for me as a writer, a place for me to practice my writing every day, safe, but still public enough to hold me accountable to my deadlines. I need a break from that.
For the rest of the month, I – or at least the blogger me – intend to be completely unaccountable.
Here’s what you can expect from me:
- Farther, my serial will be updated on Wednesdays.
- The Legal Theft Project will continue as usual on Saturdays.
- Gwendoogle will deliver its crazy search results on Sundays.
- Something will go up every other day of the week. Who knows what, but it won’t be fiction.
- On June 1st, I intend to return Apprentice Never Master to its regularly scheduled programming, which means you can mark it down on your calendar as a strong “probably”.
Typing all that up, it doesn’t seem very “unaccountable,” but I feel free as a fugitive with a fresh, fake passport right now. I’m smiling. I almost ended this post with a winky-face emoticon. Believe me, I feel good.
Here’s hoping that you’ll have fun with the rest of your month as well.