Top Ten Tweets I No Longer Understand

I am not an excellent Twitter user. Or I am. It’s hard to tell what’s the proper use of 140 characters.

In college, my friends and I used it as an easy way to get the Library of Congress to archive the mad things we said in the dining hall. Because we were eighteen, sleep-deprived, and vastly amused by ourselves. There was no reason for historians not to be granted the right to look back on the message, “Heed not the sleeves of her morally induced compass!” and extrapolate the values of college juniors in 2010.

Not that much has changed. I swapped out the dining hall for the world at large. I turned twenty-six.

In 2015, I tweeted some hundreds of statements that were made in my vicinity. Most of them still make sense (to me). Here’s a Top Ten List of The Ones That Don’t:


Best guess three months later: There was a video game involved, and video game pirates. I believe that we had gone undercover in the game to join them, been given pirate outfits, which I didn’t like, and I wanted my own clothes back. “Poop deck” might have been the first insult to come to mind.


Best guess five months later: I know exactly who I was with on July 3rd. I have no idea which of the four of us said this. We were… making arguments for why Dancing with the Stars shouldn’t be allowed to continue?


Best guess eight months later: Again, I know who was present on April 23rd. But my chances of guessing who said this have gone down to one in six.

It is entirely possible that we were discussing the marketing campaign, trying out slogans, for a new line of mood-sensing outerwear. Like mood-rings, but more snuggly. (Another possible slogan?)


Best guess two months later: My little sister was explaining something she had discussed in class to me. In college. This was my best summary of what she said.

Clearly, we had discovered that Kesha was starting The New School for Young Assassins. First lesson: how to start your day with confidence, practice proper dental hygiene, and defend yourself from Mick Jagger look-a-likes.


Best guess eleven months later: It was a Thursday. If you knew my friends, you would know that no other explanation is really necessary.

But I’ll say that one of us had just watched a movie trailer. A ridiculous movie trailer. We were taking turns guessing the details of the plot, and had some strong suspicions about character motivation.


Best guess five months later: There was a joke here about vampire accents, and honestly, I’m upset that I can’t remember it.

All I’ve got is twenty minutes of jokes about Mjolnir recalculating every time Thor hopped planets in The Dark World.

Okay, maybe I’ve got thirty minutes of jokes.


Best guess six months later: We do not have a cat. Cats cannot talk. My mother is aware of both these things.

I’ve got nothin’.


Best guess four months later: The world is now powered by sentient potatoes. They’re very sensitive. You are also not supposed to frown, yodel, or gesture toward them with a spatula.


Best guess two months later: Something to do with… the baby’s name? Ancient naming practices? Fairy godmother gifts?

You know, I just threw that last one out there to be ridiculous, but I think that might have actually been what we were talking about.


Best guess five months later: There was a vague death threat in here somewhere… From the universe? The elephant was going to kill someone but the solar flare got to them first?

Or the elephant was a homicidal astronaut that made a poor navigation decision when coming in past the sun?

I wish I could say one of these options was more likely than the other.

Honorable mentions:


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