Archaeology: ROTK (SORT OF)

When I was thirteen, I wrote a script with the help of my older sister, Summer. We were getting impatient, waiting for Peter Jackson to finish the third Lord of the Rings film, and decided to write the script ourselves. Looking back, we both agree we only took it seriously for the first three lines… which were all setting description.

In our version, Theoden falls down a rabbit hole. Denethor hops on a rocket to Pluto. Faramir gets a concussion from a confused elf. Eowyn’s name is frequently written as “Random Rider Whose Real Name is Dernhelm, Or Is It?” Almost every character other gets pulled over for speeding at a crucial point in the plot.

Scenes LXII, LXIII, and LXIV are reproduced here for two reasons:

  • I’m still sad Peter Jackson didn’t include the Scouring of the Shire in his version
  • giggles, giggles, and giggles

SCENE LXII: INT.

Cut to BAG END as the POLICEMEN enter with the four HOBBITS in tow. Across the room a MAN stands with his back to them.

POLICE CAPTAIN
Here they are, Sharkey.

The POLICE CAPTAIN exits with the rest of the POLICEMEN and closes the door behind him. SHARKEY turns to face the HOBBITS.

SHARKEY
Why does it always have to be Sharkey?

MERRY
Saruman?

SHARKEY A.K.A. SARUMAN
Why couldn’t it be Whaley? Or Sting-rayee

MERRY, FRODO, SAM, and PIPPIN give him a strange look.

SHARKEY A.K.A. SARUMAN
Okay, so that one’s not so good. But how about something else aquatic? Like dolphiny or lobstery or—

PIPPIN
Crabby?

MERRY
Fishy?

FRODO
Shrimpy?

SAM
Turtley?

FRODO
(whispers to SAM) Turtley!?!

SARUMAN
That’s it…

FRODO
(surprised) Turtley?

SHARKEY A.K.A. SARUMAN
No, you turkey! Shrimpy!

MERRY & PIPPIN & FRODO & SAM
SHRIMPY!?!

SHARKEY A.K.A. SARUMAN
That’s’ right.

SHARKEY A.K.A. SARUMAN whistles and the POLICE CAPTAIN re-enters.

SHARKEY A.K.A. SARUMAN
(To the Police Captain) Two new rules: Number Fifty-two: Never refer to the Chief as Sharkey. Number Fifty-three: Always refer to the Chief as Shrimpy.

SHARKEY A.K.A –

Whereupon the SCRIPTWRITER was hauled off to the LOCK HOLES by the POLICEMEN for referring to the Chief as “Sharkey” while SHRIMPY looked on. There were too many witnesses to her crime for her to defend herself.

MERRY
So what do we do now?

PIPPIN
We could write the script ourselves.

FRODO
Yeah, right. We couldn’t do that.

SAM
I could try.

MERRY
You?

SAM
Give me a chance.

FRODO
(shrugging) Okay.

The STAGE CREW brings out a TYPEWRITER and SAM quickly hammers out a SCRIPT. He then hands the pages to the other HOBBITS.

MERRY
The Scriptwriter hath been stolen from our fair lands. What shall we do?

FRODO
Harken to me now, for I speak. We must avenge her now, and raise the Shire.

PIPPIN
Thou art right, Mr. Frodo. We must avenge her.

MERRY
I agree with thee, my fellow hobbits, we shall strike them with an iron fist.

FRODO & SAM & PIPPIN
We shall.

MERRY
And they shall fall.

FRODO & SAM & PIPPIN
They shall.

MERRY
And we shall be victorious!

FRODO & SAM & PIPPIN
We shall!

MERRY, PIPPIN, FRODO, and SAM stand around in silence for a few seconds. SAM smiles happily to himself. Then MERRY shakes his head.

MERRY
No.

PIPPIN
No.

FRODO pats SAM on the shoulder.

FRODO
Sorry, buddy.

 

SCENE LXIII: EXT.

The HOBBITS leave for the LOCK HOLES as quick as they can, where they cleverly help the SCRIPTWRITER to escape by telling the GUARD that his SHOELACES are untied, which of course is impossible since he doesn’t have any SHOELACES, because he isn’t wearing any shoes in accordance with Rule Number Five. But MERRY learned the trick from the ROHAN DUDES who do wear shoes and it was the first thing that came to his mind.

So while the GUARD is searching for his untied shoelaces, the four HOBBITS dash in and free the SCRIPTWRITER.

The SCRIPTWRITER happily sits down to continue the SCRIPT, which consequently makes FRODO, PIPPIN, and MERRY extremely happy.

 

SCENE LXIV: INT.

Cut to BAG END where MERRY, PIPPIN, FRODO, and SAM are running back to their places. Shrimpy enters at a walk.

The SCRIPTWRITER carefully types:

SHRIMPY
Sorry, where were we?

FRODO
We were just telling you to leave.

PIPPIN
We were?

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