Gwendoogle – This is Not a Ransom Note

GwendoogleAnswers served with two buckets of weirdness

Kate Kearney searched: Would you make up a crazy doomsday weapon?
I give you: THE TRANSPOSIT FICTIONIZER 5000.

The TF5000 works under a system of modulated handwavium and counter-intuited unobtainium. Balanced against each other, they do very little, except to create a field approximately eight feet in diameter which converts fictional matter into tangible matter, and tangible matter into fictional matter.

For instance, point this contraption at a book, and you can drag characters and objects out into the real world. Point it at your best friend, and she or he may become the hero of their very own comedy. Maybe. They may also become that one extra in the back of a disaster film. It’s tricky.

But I guarantee you, once the TF5000 is used more than ten times, nothing will ever be the same.

ThorYOLOson searched: Would you rather be a ninja on a pirate ship or a pirate in a dojo?
Personally, I would rather be a ninja on a pirate ship, because:

  • There’s a ship
  • I would have the opportunity to travel the globe
  • The ocean, the wind, the sea salt, the red seas under red skies
  • I would get all the weapons skills that I could ask for
  • I would get to be the thing that goes bump in the night
  • There’s a ship

Kate Kearney searched: Where did all the pie go?
The pies were stolen! Okay, don’t look at me like that. This is not a ransom note. I didn’t do it.

The pies were taken by a dreadful race of aliens called Jeebles. They have been at war with the Deveria for a hundred generations, and it’s caused an ammunition crisis. For the last century, they have been combing the universe for a new source of fruit explosives. They never imagined the damage that could be done by a pie. We never imagined how much aliens would pay for blueberries in sauce wrapped in a pastry.

We haven’t given them any yet. The world’s leaders are still closeted away, arguing the benefits of introducing ourselves to the galaxy as first-rate arms dealers. All pies have been stock-piled and hidden until they make their decision. It’s for the good of humanity.

If you’re asking because the Jeebles have approached you with a very lucrative deal… I’m not saying you should start clandestinely baking pies somewhere the NSA can’t see you, but I’m saying you should sell the movie rights before you make a run to the grocery store.

Abby T. searched: How do you like your coffee?
Ignored.

Kate Kearney searched: How many bananas in a bunch?
I have extensive experience eating bananas. For over two decades, I have happily consumed them, attempted to bend them, and opened them from the “wrong end.” I cannot recall ever holding a bunch with more than seven bananas in it.

But the movies make it look like they might grow in dozens on the tree.

Have a question for Gwendoogle? Leave it in comments below and I’ll be back next week to answer it.

The question bucket currently has: 11 questions

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